Reflexes keep you from harm

Barcelona, Spain

The point is they are short. Well not short but ever-so-slightly vertically challenged. I even have the evidence to prove it. The average Spanish male is now 175 centimetres tall, the average Dutchman at least seven centimetres taller.  And if there was ever any doubt just try sharing a Barcelona theatre box with two Danes, an Italian, two Americans, a Canadian and me. Seven huge adults squashed in to an area designed for three. OK, we were listening to a guitar quartet that was possibly the best I have ever heard – Maestros de la Guitarra  -  but each of us in that box was competing for those few square centimetres of floor space that the Palau de la Musica Barcelona  allowed. In 1908, when it was built, the average Spanish male was even smaller, something like 165 centimetres, so you get the idea. Basically, however beautiful Barcelona may be, everything is built for a population that is charming, jolly, hospitable, fun but on the smaller side of small when it comes to assessing height.

They do not sleep either. You tell me what I am supposed to do with a dinner invitation that asks me to take my seat by 10 p.m. and carriages, when it all ends, is proudly declared as 1.30 in the morning? I may be taller than the typical Spaniard but clearly do not have the staying power, as a good friend established when he was found lying face down in his Spanish omelette at midnight – exhaustion not alcohol was to blame. Show him a glass of dry white and he would generally run a mile.

The Barcelona pavements are something different. I mean they are beautiful to view and immaculately designed and the whole place smacks of Gaudi. But the sidewalks are extraordinarily narrow. As if to exaggerate the effect, the locals have fixed long lines of cast iron bollard into the surface as protection from the road. Each bollard is wonderfully designed and clearly evidence of months of loving construction. Each is positioned in perfect symmetry with its next door neighbour. There they stand, vertical, stationary, a sort-of boring grey and when you look at the traffic you are delighted to have their protection. You see, there is an evident mission in Barcelona for all drivers to run over the nearest pedestrian. I know there are little green men that blink at you from the far side of the road and I know that green means “go”. But in Barcelona I am unsure the same rules apply, especially if you cross the road at a corner. Dicing with death is an understatement. No, if you wish to see sundown in Barcelona, your London jay walking must go by the board and will need reflexes that qualify you for the next Olympics. It may be a conservatively designed, black-and-yellow hybrid Prius you see way in the distance but put one pedestrian toe on the road surface and the cabbie behind the wheel will put his foot hard down, take aim, and head straight at you for sure. The ability to run is no use, the ability to duck, dive and be startled is how you make it to your pension.

It is not just the drivers that are trying to force the hapless Brit onto the road and there to dice with mortality. It is your fellow pedestrian, too. You see the Spaniards are terribly keen on their mobile phones, those big ones that occupy half the side of a face when talking. Small is no longer beautiful when it comes to mobiles in Spain. You need something the size of a tennis court resting on your cheek. You are generally female, though not always so, and you are talking ten-to-the-million with a distant friend, a vacant gaze as your expression while the digital tennis court occludes the line of sight from at least one eye. You are also pushing your double buggy with one hand. The double buggy is empty, of course, as your two children have long taken advantage of their mother being otherwise occupied and are playing tag on the pavement behind. Meanwhile your poor hangdog husband is doing his best to hold the planet’s broadest golfing umbrella to keep you dry from the two feet of rain – yes, two feet – that fall each year.  The locals offer that figure with pride but forget to say that those two feet fall in just 55 days and that anyone who is anyone carries a brolly in Barcelona. You find them in the hotels, the restaurants, Government buildings, and you find them being sold like hot cakes by clear opportunists. These expert salesmen patrol the pavements in wet weather, selling collapsible rain protection to the nearest passer-by. The cheapskate visitor declines the exorbitant offer and opts for the clear plastic poncho instead. It is so difficult to take the poncho wearer seriously as he stands in yet another endless tourist queue looking for all the world like a Christmas turkey waiting to be cooked. No, to avoid the embarrassment, just take a brolly to Barcelona should you go and do your best to miss October.

So there you are, headed down the pavement in one direction while coming straight at you like an unguided missile is the family Armada of mobile-laden Mum, two children, double pushchair, reluctant husband, umbrella and, for all you know, a barking dog some way behind. The way is totally obstructed. There is only one option. Reverse? Not a hope. That is simply not done as a pedestrian and, anyway, do we not have some right to be on the pavement bearing in mind that there are 761000 Brits living in Spain overall?  That is more than the population of Leeds.

No, with a frown, perhaps an exasperated shrug, you smile, you take to the road and do battle with the homicidal drivers who see you place that first toe onto the road surface and away they go. Accelerator pedal hits the floor, up lifts the nose of an otherwise middle-aged vehicle, rubber screeches from shiny, now smoking, black tyres, aim has been taken and you are shortly to become a Barcelona statistic. All you have are sharply honed reflexes to keep you from harm.

i http://privatewww.essex.ac.uk/~hatton/Tim_height_paper.pdf
ii http://www.maestrosdelaguitarra.com/#
iii https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palacio_de_la_Música_Catalana
iv http://www.barcelona.climatemps.com/precipitation.php
v http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/shared/spl/hi/in_depth/brits_abroad/html/
vi http://www.ukcities.co.uk/populations/